Showing posts from 2016

Be Not Afraid

This summer was a time for my body to recover. After having had a very difficult past few years with various arthritis treatments, I decided to detox (with permission from my doctor) and try to treat it through diet and strength training. But, while I was doing that, something else was brewing. Over the summer I developed a lot of abdominal pain and pressure that came with eating, and I've quickly become underweight. We don't quite know what is going on but thankfully I have the support of so many loved ones and a wonderful team of doctors. Recently after all my blood work was found to be clean, I found out I need to have an upper endoscopy (when the esophagus and stomach are examined with a scope). Regardless of that, I truly feel my body healing. Having cut out certain inflammatory foods, especially coffee and excessive white sugar, I feel such a drastic change. My tendons are no longer tender and the extra fluid on my joints have vanished. For the first time in a very lo

A Goodbye to Coffee

When I was thirteen years old, my mum and I had a very steady weekend routine. Right after school on Friday, we would go to my doctor’s office where a nurse would give me an injection of methotrexate. It wasn’t a huge deal, but I began to dread Fridays because of the medicine’s side effects. A lot of people with autoimmune arthritis do very well on methotrexate and go into remission. But I didn’t. I remember the doctor often telling me that the medicine “had better start working soon, because [I] won’t like the next level.” It was horrifying to hear this as a kid. I knew it wasn’t my fault, yet I blamed myself. It felt hopeless; if the medicine that worked for everyone else failed me, what would that mean for me later on? But years later, I realized there was no reason to feel hopeless. I’ve seen many different doctors since, and I’ve found that there’s no one way to treat chronic pain. But the most successful approach I’ve found is to treat the person, not the disease. The outc

Grant This Weary Heart Rest

     A month ago, I remember putting my hand over my heart; I could feel it racing, pounding, and skipping beats. It was worn and tired, and so was I. The weeks leading up to that moment were brutal. For six weeks, I was lucky to get four hours of sleep most nights, and all my waking hours were spent stressed and working intensely for finals. Most days, I didn’t really talk to anyone and I skipped meals to accommodate more working hours. Ultimately, I was running myself into the ground. And I didn’t care.      But then came that moment, when I realized my heart was struggling from the stress. A long night in the emergency room made me stop working for the first time since March, and forced me to be still and reflect on my actions. I stared at the monitor that showed a heart that was trying so hard to slow down, and I thought about how cruel I’ve been to it.      It’s been an extremely hard year. I would love to sugar coat that statement, but I owe it to my aching heart to be t

What Really Grinds my Gears

You know what bothers me? Like,  really grinds my gears? When I'm walking in a huge crowd of friends and nobody thinks to slow down to my speed. Do they really think I'm being anti-social and just want to watch everyone in front of me enjoying themselves? HECK NO! I want to be the leader of the pack, enjoying myself with the rest of those beautiful people who are not cherishing their youth nearly as much as they should be. But no- I'm walking in the back, all by myself watching. And I'm usually a good distance behind where you probably don't know I'm with those rowdy hooligans- when in reality, I'm one of them! Even when I've got my dumb cane with me, I usually get left behind in the back. I mean, it's bad enough to leave the girl who walks like grandma trailing a couple yards away but it looks really bad when grandma's got a cane, too. Not to mention a little dangerous, don't purse snatchers prefer hobbling grandmas to groups of university

I'm Nothing but His Toy

I've been doing a lot of writing on this blog about why the past few months were so difficult for me. But this is, by far, the most significant thing that happened to me. While I'd like to say this is something that is 'over and done with,', I can't: This is still something I'm dealing with. I'm actually nervous to share this post so publicly because I'm scared of the responses I'll receive. Please try  to understand. Fall semester was supposed to be amazing. I was going to hang out in all my favorite places with all my favorite people. But instead, it ended with me afraid to leave my room and almost completely isolated. My perfect semester was interrupted by him . I don't know if he likes me or is obsessed with me, but regardless, I find he likes to be in my company. Often, without my knowledge. He's walked behind me and followed me home. Sometimes, he sees me approaching my apartment building, sprints to the entrance and waits for me

When Classes Begin

I haven't really known what to post about. Life is a little dull at the moment. I've been home from school for a few weeks, and go back next week when classes begin. I've done very little over the break besides rest, and even then I just don't feel rested. Somehow, everything recently is an effort. I don't feel particularly bad, yet I don't feel good either. I'd be quite satisfied to have another week to lie around and do nothing, but I realize I'm truly pushing my limits on 'rest.' In October I developed a nasty cough that would last well into November. The end of November and most of December was very stressful, and I had a significant increase in pain and fatigue. No doubt, my body is begging for a rest. Yet, I don't seem to be giving it the rest it craves. Recently, I've experienced a lot of vertigo, headaches and other odd symptoms that make it clear that I am not 100% yet. The doctor explained those symptoms are from inner ear in