What Really Grinds my Gears

You know what bothers me? Like, really grinds my gears? When I'm walking in a huge crowd of friends and nobody thinks to slow down to my speed. Do they really think I'm being anti-social and just want to watch everyone in front of me enjoying themselves? HECK NO! I want to be the leader of the pack, enjoying myself with the rest of those beautiful people who are not cherishing their youth nearly as much as they should be. But no- I'm walking in the back, all by myself watching. And I'm usually a good distance behind where you probably don't know I'm with those rowdy hooligans- when in reality, I'm one of them!

Even when I've got my dumb cane with me, I usually get left behind in the back. I mean, it's bad enough to leave the girl who walks like grandma trailing a couple yards away but it looks really bad when grandma's got a cane, too. Not to mention a little dangerous, don't purse snatchers prefer hobbling grandmas to groups of university students?

Getting left in the back hurts so much because not only do I have to watch my friends having fun without me, but the only things I'm thinking about are how I would love to collapse right where I am and how nobody would notice if I did. I'm not  going to lie: being 19 and having chronic pain makes me feel like a freak and unlovable. And being kept at arms distance away reaffirms this feeling.

I know it's not purposefully done. To be honest, I bet they never really thought about it before or noticed. Or maybe they noticed, and just didn't think it bothered me because it's 'my normal.' And I know that I probably don't appear to be in a good mood when I begin to trail off, so if one does notice, they probably think I just need to be alone. I really don't expect my friends to understand, and I don't want them to be able to understand either. I just wish I didn't have to be alone.

Sometimes I wish someone would slow down. That's all I want. Even when I don't feel good, I just want to be included. I already feel really isolated in lots of small, stupid, and seemingly insignificant ways, but being left alone on walks home is the one that bothers me the most. I don't know. It sounds kind of dumb when I write it, but I know I can't possibly be the only person in the world that wishes their friends would take a slower pace so no one would ever have to walk alone in life.


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